Just The Facts

I am lonely.

Haiti

I am trying to avoid newcasts about the earthquake. To see people in such physical and emotional pain is impossible.

Sick Kids

Kids had a 2 hour delay today but two of my kids stayed home. Nothing like being woke up at 4am with a kid throwing up.

Snow Days

Is there anything better for a kid than a Snow Day? My kids got one today. They spent most of it sledding at the Park behind our home. Came home a few times to warm up and were off again. They actually got along. They closely monitored the news all evening to see if they would be so lucky tomorrow. No news yet though.

On the other hand, our herd of cats drove me nuts. We have 5 and while they love playing in the snow, they must chill quickly. All they did was run in and out. And guess who is the doorman.

Where Am I?

My first time here and I stumble upon some ghosts. I don't know how I feel about it. I am glad they are ok and I don't want them to feel that I will be stalking. I am here for me. If I don't find an outlet, I am going to implode.

I have been at livejournal but everyone I knew seems to have left. It holds a lot of memories for me so I thought a fresh start was in order. I have tried facebook but I just don't get it. I forget I even have an account till someone adds me or comments. I dislike all of the games that are played on there. When I do log in, I have to hit Ignore on dozens of requests. I hate hurting anyone's feelings so I hope it doesn't pop up to them that Jennifer dissed you.

I just turned 38 a few days ago. No comments really on that. I don't care.

I want this to be a place where I talk about everything. Not just the bad in my life, though there will be plenty of that. I have to learn to focus on good. I have plenty of it. Kids, family, pets, home, I am alive.

My heart weighs so heavy most of the time. I am so unhappy and I feel selfish for it. My life isn't that bad. Many people have it so much harder. I just can't seem to shake this. I had a nervous breakdown last March and was committed for a week. Some days I feel better, others I feel like I will never be better and what is the point. I think about suicide on a daily basis.

I can't talk to people. I was supposed to see therapists after I left the hospital but I stopped going. I get in there and don't know how to articulate what is churning in my head. When I do get to the point where I have to talk, I choose a stranger and then never speak to them again. Does that mean I use people? Am I trying to spare them? Or am I afraid of letting someone get that close?

I hate my husband. I may love him. I don't know. I want to be loved. I hate knowing he doesn't love me.

Am I unloveable? What did I do to cause this? Am I a terrible person? What is normal? Is he the terrible one? Are we both? Is there any hope? How long can I go on? Will I end up in the hospital again? Would that be a good or bad thing? Do I care enough about myself to demand changes? Can I run away? Does that make me a bad mother? Why won't he leave? Do I want to be happy? Do I deserve to be happy? What is the matter with me? Where did Brett go? What is happy? Would I recognize it? Do I want to die? How can I escape?