Where Am I?

My first time here and I stumble upon some ghosts. I don't know how I feel about it. I am glad they are ok and I don't want them to feel that I will be stalking. I am here for me. If I don't find an outlet, I am going to implode.

I have been at livejournal but everyone I knew seems to have left. It holds a lot of memories for me so I thought a fresh start was in order. I have tried facebook but I just don't get it. I forget I even have an account till someone adds me or comments. I dislike all of the games that are played on there. When I do log in, I have to hit Ignore on dozens of requests. I hate hurting anyone's feelings so I hope it doesn't pop up to them that Jennifer dissed you.

I just turned 38 a few days ago. No comments really on that. I don't care.

I want this to be a place where I talk about everything. Not just the bad in my life, though there will be plenty of that. I have to learn to focus on good. I have plenty of it. Kids, family, pets, home, I am alive.

My heart weighs so heavy most of the time. I am so unhappy and I feel selfish for it. My life isn't that bad. Many people have it so much harder. I just can't seem to shake this. I had a nervous breakdown last March and was committed for a week. Some days I feel better, others I feel like I will never be better and what is the point. I think about suicide on a daily basis.

I can't talk to people. I was supposed to see therapists after I left the hospital but I stopped going. I get in there and don't know how to articulate what is churning in my head. When I do get to the point where I have to talk, I choose a stranger and then never speak to them again. Does that mean I use people? Am I trying to spare them? Or am I afraid of letting someone get that close?

I hate my husband. I may love him. I don't know. I want to be loved. I hate knowing he doesn't love me.

Am I unloveable? What did I do to cause this? Am I a terrible person? What is normal? Is he the terrible one? Are we both? Is there any hope? How long can I go on? Will I end up in the hospital again? Would that be a good or bad thing? Do I care enough about myself to demand changes? Can I run away? Does that make me a bad mother? Why won't he leave? Do I want to be happy? Do I deserve to be happy? What is the matter with me? Where did Brett go? What is happy? Would I recognize it? Do I want to die? How can I escape?